Everything you need to know about open relationships?
Publicado: 2023-03-07 14:21:25
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Open relationships fall into the larger category of consensually non-monogamous relationships. These are relationships in which one or both partners may seek sex and sometimes emotional attachments to other people.
Open relationships differ from swing relationships, where partners have sex with other people at parties, and where relationships are purely sexual. They also differ from polyamory where partners can pursue more than one relationship at the same time. Open relationships are often considered something of a middle ground between swing and polyamory.
While swingers tend to keep their external relationships in the realm of sex with other established couples, and polyamory is having multiple committed romantic partners, people in open relationships can usually have sex with other people they're attracted to - with the exception of that these other relationships remain casual.
Types of open relationship
Married couples, committed couples (boyfriends), and casual couples can be in open relationships that involve consent to:
- Casually dating people outside of marriage or relationshi
- Pursue romantic relationships outside of marriage or relationship
- Having a physical relationship outside of marriage or relationship
Who chooses an open relationship?
As there is still so much stigma surrounding non-monogamy not everyone is willing to admit they participate in open, swing, or polyamory relationships. However, research from academic and non-profit organizations has given us an idea of how many adults engage in non-monogamous relationships.
A 2019 Canadian study (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00224499.2019.1580667?journalCode=hjsr20) reported that 2.4% of respondents are in an open relationship.
Another American study (Open Relationships, Nonconsensual Nonmonogamy, and Monogamy Among U.S. Adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior) found that 4% of respondents indicated they were involved in an open relationship.
Another survey (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2019.1669133) found that 31% of women and 38% of men would prefer a non-monogamous relationship. In general, younger respondents were more likely to prefer non-monogamy than the older crowd.
If we've seen a number of non-monogamous relationships grow over time, it could be for a few possible reasons, including that people feel more comfortable being open about the topic or more people are willing to try it. Open relationships being less stigmatized in the media can contribute to both.
Benefits of open relationships
There are several reasons why people might want to be in an open relationship. When done with respect and consent from all involved, open relationships bring many benefits. The first obvious one that many people think of is sexual satisfaction.
Humans like novelty when it comes to sexuality, and we all crave it at one point or another. A new partner is a great way to satisfy this desire for new sexual experiences. It's much easier to meet a partner's needs if he tells you what he wants rather than making you guess. Open relationships allow partners to put all their cards on the table.
Open relationships also allow non-monogamous people to express their needs and identity without fear. They don't need to hide their crushes or extramarital relationships, at least from their partner, and this leads to much less emotional distress. Here are some pros and cons about open relationships:
Pros of Open Relationships
- Greater communication about wants and needs
- Seek new experiences and interests
- Exciting and different sexual experiences
- Freedom to express different sides of yourself
- No pressure for one person to fulfill all of their partner's emotional and sexual needs and interests
Cons of Open Relationships
- Risk of jealousy and self-esteem issues
- Risk of emotional pain as your partner experiences pleasure and happiness with someone else
- Risk of sexually transmitted infection
- Risk of unplanned pregnancy
- Risk of sexual addiction or loss of libido when trying to please multiple partners
Potential open relationship issues
In addition to those already mentioned, open relationships have their own potential problems. Envy is the first. For people raised in an environment where monogamy is expected, jealousy can quickly arise as they learn to defy this expectation while exploring non-monogamy. Remember, though, that jealousy is rooted in feelings of not being enough, which is based on the idea that your romantic partner should be everything to you and you to him.
Negative feelings toward your partner's other partners can also result from increased vulnerability. As you learn to negotiate your relationship more explicitly, you will need to explore and express feelings that you may not have explored before. This can make people feel anxious, angry, or pull back emotionally.
If you are having this type of problem but still want to explore an open relationship with your partner, couples therapy with someone who understands non-monogamy can help you overcome these feelings. Having multiple sexual partners also increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), so it's important that everyone involved in sexual activities uses adequate protection and gets tested regularly.
Is an open relationship right for you?
Some people have known since adolescence that they are not interested in monogamy, despite the prevailing expectation that everyone will one day be in a monogamous relationship that will lead to marriage. Others dive into open relationships because of circumstances, such as having a crush on someone new or because a partner presents the possibility.
A common scenario: a couple who have been together for a few years feel a lack of passion. One or both partners fall in love with someone else, or one begins an affair. To resolve the issue, they decide to open up their relationship. This, unfortunately, is often not the best way to open up your relationship. Especially when infidelity is involved, it is better to address the underlying problem in the relationship first than to try to mask it by opening up the relationship. Often this means breaking up or getting divorced. Sometimes, however, the approach allows both people to move toward an open relationship with a positive outlook based on trust, love, and commitment.
Questions to Consider
If you answer "yes" to the following questions, there's a good chance that an open relationship is right for you:
- Are you and your partner genuinely interested in non-monogamy?
- Do you and your partner have different sexual needs and/or orientations?
- Are you considering an open relationship from a place of trust (and not, for example, because of broken trust or infidelity)?
- Are you able to communicate openly with your partner?
- Do you have a relationship built on a solid foundation of honesty and trust?
- Are you able to deal with jealousy in a healthy way?
Talk about an open relationship
How you approach the topic of open relationships with your partner(s) depends on the stage of your relationship. If you're currently single or on a casual date, it might be easier. In this case, state your ideal of non-monogamy. If you make it clear that you are not willing to be sexually and/or emotionally exclusive, the other person can make a clear choice about whether to continue the relationship.
If you're already in a relationship, things are a little more complex. First, you need to recognize how you both got into this relationship and whether there was any expectation of monogamy. Your partner has the right to expect you to be monogamous if that's what you agreed to at the time. Unfortunately, not everyone makes this expectation explicit.
Ask yourself what has changed. Perhaps you have always been interested in non-monogamy, but have tried to remain monogamous due to social pressure or family expectations. Your open relationship discussion doesn't have to happen as a result of a new crush - in fact, it's better if it happens while you're not attached to someone else.
If, however, you approach your partner about an open relationship because you want to fall in love, or after being unfaithful, be prepared to face difficult times in your main relationship. Your partner will likely feel betrayed and hurt, and you'll need to deal with this before you really open up your relationship. You want to open your relationship with a positive outlook, not out of spite or boredom.
Strategies for an open relationship
Although there are no set rules when it comes to having an open relationship. Well-communicated boundaries, however, are critical. Working together to set expectations and boundaries with your partner is beneficial. Here are some to consider:
- Sexual Limits: Is sex with other partners okay, and if so, what acts are you (or aren't) comfortable with? Be as specific as possible, including safer sex practices such as condoms, dental dams, and screening for STIs.
- Emotional Boundaries: Talk about what would make you both jealous and how to get closer to each other if jealousy occurs. When discussing emotional boundaries, you can also discuss whether it's possible not to fall in love with someone after having sex and what happens if you do.
- Personal Limits: What is fair? Are friends, co-workers, or ex-partners off the table? How do you feel about strangers? You can also discuss topics like sexual orientation and gender identity, both for you and other potential partners.
- Sharing time: You and your partner should establish guidelines on how much time is available to spend with other partners and when your time together is available to actively explore other relationships.
